Words by Lou P Scarlett| Photography by Mia Maraschino

Welcome aboard everyone, to Not-So-Virgin Aircrafts. Flight VA69 will be taking off shortly, so please buckle your seat belts because navigating the dating scene in the 21st Century is a god damn rocky ride. With a beautiful array of emotionally unavailable people, carrying baggage that’s significantly over the 20kg limit, and safety checks that numerous passengers do not pay enough attention too (nod to my three STI checks this year), single life is turbulent, as it is. Now, throw into the mix that you take your clothes off for a living and you’ll have some people wanting to join the mile high club with you, while others will be counting the rows to the nearest EXIT. At least, so I thought.

Here’s the tea. I’m twenty eight years old. I have been a dance teacher for five years, professional performer for seven and have been performing burlesque for two. I am single and dating predominantly straight men. I have a few relationships under my belt, some long (2-4yrs) others more fleeting (2-4 weeks, bless!) and I’m now at point where I’m no longer interested in one night stands, average sex or small conversations. I’m looking for my bae. But, this bish is picky.

Casually dating this year I started to notice a pattern. People were initially interested and intrigued by me, my work and my life and then soon after it would pitter out. Sometimes slowly, sometimes abruptly, sometimes on my terms, sometimes on theirs, but it made me question, in a world of dating apps, where we are provided with infinite options, was this aversion to commitment a reflection of the times or was it me? And, was the fact I perform burlesque a contributing factor?

I found myself thinking about a boy I dated a few years ago. We were in a committed relationship, during which time we were both performing in bands. After a band photoshoot one day, I remember him telling me, “Don’t forget you’re more than your sexuality and your looks”, which sounds like a compliment, but in hindsight, of course I knew I was more than that. I saw myself as a front woman and an artist. Whether I did or did not use my body to express myself was something I could navigate using my own discretion. What he was really saying, was that I should be wary of how others will perceive me if I use my sexuality in my art. Note, I was not even performing burlesque at this point.

The Madonna-Whore complex came to mind. For those unfamiliar with this Freudian theory, it proposes that men can only perceive women as either the saintly Madonna (the wife) or the debaucherous whore (the mistress). He wrote ‘Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.’ How archaic! To be honest, I resonate more with the words of the prolific poet Usher, who in his song Yeah!, states, ‘We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed’. Imma right? However, this sentiment is what has made me more conscious of how I present myself when I first meet someone.

On my Tinder and Bumble profiles I have photos of me in costumes and at shows. One night, while showing Rosie Rivette (a fellow burly girl) my profile, she commented on this. I thought nothing of it. Firstly, most of my best photos are of me at gigs. Secondly I rarely take other photos, but most importantly it’s a big part of who I am… so why not share that? It’s a positive right? I am a working creative.

She mentioned she didn’t use any of her showgirl photos because it felt like a ‘novelty’. She found peoples language often changed when she shared that she was a burlesque performer and that she was more likely to be sexualised and objectified, which was something she wanted to avoid.

I decided to investigate further. I created a survey on my instagram to which nearly 250 people participated in. I asked questions like… 

Would you date a burlesque performer?
Do you think burlesque performers are better at sex because of their job? 
And… Burlesque performers, do you think your job influences your romantic relationships?

And the responses were interesting. 93% of people said YES, they would date a burlesque performer, 95% said YES, they would marry one and 89% said they would have a one night stand with one. Which leads me to believe, people are more adverse to one night stands than burlesque. The most common reason behind these answers was this…

It’s not about the profession, it’s about the person. 

There are a vast array of colourful personalities in the burlesque industry, just as there are in any industry. What I found, was that shared values and sexual chemistry are the most important things to people when choosing who they date. So, although what someone does for work can speak to their passions, their talents and their very spirit, ultimately, you can’t choose who you’re attracted to. Love is love. 

Most people that said NO, they would not date a burlesque performer, were actually other performers, stating that one performer in a relationship was enough. This belief is quite polarising. As someone who has almost exclusivity dated creatives, I find that being in a relationship where I can bounce ideas off another person, be immersed in art and surrounded by artistic people extremely invigorating and almost an essential part of a relationship. While many agree, others vehemently stated that they needed someone more grounded.

In regards to, Do you think burlesque performers are better at sex because of their job? 75% said NO. The most common two points being no, because its comes down to the individuals, however yes burlesque can help. And to be honest, I agree. There are some people I have had sex with where I feel like I’m doing it for the first time. It’s clunky, awkward and I’m caught in my head. Then, there are other people that make me feel like I’m a freaking porn star, to whom I say, “Fuck yes! Call me. I’m free on Wednesday.”

So ultimately, sex is about the connection between two people, however, what burlesque does is help you connect to your body and teach you the art of tease, a skill that is definitely useful in the bedroom. While dancing gives you body awareness, burlesque in addition gives you sexual awareness. It is a medium that requires you to express and explore your sensual and sexual self, which in turn fosters sexual openness and self-confidence. 

The most divisive question of them all was, Burlesque performers, do you think your job influences your romantic relationships? 56% said YES, 44% said NO. The biggest factor, not being that we take our clothes off on stage, but the fact that long rehearsals, conflicting schedules, late nights and travelling can take away from quality time with your partner.

 Finally, as my dear friend Brendan de la Hay stated, “The persona/jobs we curate and allow the world to see are merely that… a manufactured creation.” What we do on the stage is only a part of who we are.

So, here’s the tea… you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea!

The more I date the more I believe in transparency. If you don’t like me for who I am and what I do, and see the separation of those things, then I’m probably not the right girl for you. Likewise, if your misogynistic and uncomfortable about my chosen profession, you’re probably not my guy and that’s ok.

 So, whether you’re a burlesque performer, a teacher or an accountant… there are people out there that are going to love you for who you are and others that aren’t. 

As Artemis Seven so wisely said, sometimes burlesque just “Weed’s out the dickheads quicker”. 

If you’d like to see all the statistics from the survey and the comments people made head to my instagram @i_am_lou_p and check out the TINDER AND TASSELS highlight.